Today is the 10th anniversary of the death of Doug Urich. Doug was my former husband, and the father of my oldest son, Matt. Doug died suddenly of cardiac arrest at the age of 52. Ironically, he was an avid cyclist and exercised frequently. He had just completed a long ride along the shores of Lake Michigan in Chicago before his death. But, the day was the hottest of the year, and my theory has always been that dehydration contributed to the blockage created by a small piece of plaque. His medical records showed that he had recently been advised to lower his BP and take statins. Statins stabilize plaque. But, like so many men, he ignored the health advice. Bad luck and not calling 911 immediately at the first signs of distress are a bad combination and I advise anyone reading this blog to remember to pay attention to warning signs.
Doug also had a simmering temper, which I also believe contributes to cardiovascular problems, and I partially blame it for his early death. He was a big man, tall and of large stature. He played football in high school and went to Miami University on a football scholarship. When he was in the second grade, he was taller than his teacher. We often discussed how being so large creates a situation for a man where he has to work to appear gentle. I think that effort created a disconnect in him regarding anger and he often had to work hold back the impulse to express it. Because, when he was mad, he was frightening to those around him. I once made him stand at the bottom of the stairs and climbed up two steps so that we could discuss something face to face instead of looking up at his football player sized self, like usual. And, when that man was hungry, he was grumpy! His son Matt said he attacked a parking garage meter once when it didn't function correctly on the way to dinner. Like father, like son Matt, and like grandson Jack. When in need of nourishment, behaviours change. And then, once fed, back to placid and lovable.
Doug was a handsome man with dark good looks and a megawatt smile. He was named "cutest boy" in his high school yearbook. But, he had no conceit about his looks, and in fact was somewhat naive about them. I remember being in line at some function and overhearing women talking about him. I sang the lyrics to him "the groom was prettier than the bride" from the song "Sadie, Sadie" in Funny Girl, before we got married. Doug had a great sense of humor. He was personable and charming. He was intelligent and an avid reader to feed his curiosity. He learned well from his own father that a trip to the museum meant stopping and taking in every sign. In fact, he would whip off the road at every roadside historical marker he saw to study them. And as a father, he fed Matt's curiosities. If Matt was interested in dinosaurs, then they went to the Natural History museum repeatedly. The Civil War interest brought about countless trips to battlefields. He bought Matt book after book about whatever interest arose. And, when Matt became passionate about fishing, Doug joined the interest and took him on many memorable trips to exotic fishing locales.
Doug obtained a degree in Hospital Administration and that became his career path. After he completed graduate school, we moved to Cleveland for work. Eventually, we divorced, but it was always civil and kind. In fact, we used the same lawyer and it cost $700 - unheard of these days. He remained a part of my family and welcome at family events. There was no rancor. We shared custody. I always trusted Doug totally. I knew Matt was in the best of loving hands and had a father who adored him. Something happened along the way, though, and Doug estranged himself from his own family. He moved in and out of another marriage. And, he made a career move to Chicago. That one single decision was, I believe, the worst he ever made. He had hurt his child who now had to travel back and forth by plane to see a father who was once so near and accessible. Doug never seemed happy after that move. I felt that he knew he had made a poor choice and could not reverse it. Even when he was involved with someone who moved to Chicago to be with him and was perhaps going to marry, there was a sadness about him.
I imagine that things would now be different, if his life had not been cut so short. He would be relishing the role of grandfather and be a doting one at that. He would perhaps be remarried and enjoying companionship instead of isolation. He would have reconciled his relationships with his family; he had made the first step toward that to attend a family wedding later in the month he died. We will never know what would have been. We can only try to understand him, and miss the man who was, in his heart, a very wonderful person.
This week I had a delightful surprise that I wish I could share with him. When I told Matt, it was he that reminded me of the 10th anniversary of his father's death. When Doug went to college, in 1966, his high school girlfriend gave him a cactus after Doug had broken up with her, with a note calling him a "prick." That cactus went to Miami U., then to Cincinnati to our first home, and then Buffalo, back to Cleveland, and then Chicago. I brought the cactus back to Cleveland after Doug's death and when we moved to Key Largo, it came down also. Around its base are rocks and shells, collected from travels. There is a small piece of the Roman Forum (before stupid tourists like me were barred from close encounters), among others things. In the intense Florida sun, the cactus has grown solid and healthy. When I was getting the mail several days ago, I saw that for the FIRST TIME IN 44 YEARS, the cactus has flower buds on it. I was excited, and know Doug would have been too! Is it a sign? Who knows. But if a sign is something that makes your heart sing with joy, and remember the most lovely memories, than this is a sign. A sign that Doug was loved and that we still care about him, and miss him, so very much.
