Let's Lighten it Up!

I visited Jack and Ruby and Matt and Megan in Toledo last week. We went to a Toledo Mudhens game, out to a fantastic dinner at Mancy's with Megan's parents Mike and Sherry, and her sister Kate (thanks "Papa" for your generosity - it was fantastic)! We took Ruby for her first haircut (see above - she cried the whole time). On Saturday, we all drove over to Cleveland for an day of fun with my great niece Gianna, great nephew Dominic and my nieces Erin and Trish, Erin's husband Dave, my brother Tom, sister Mary Beth (Bert) and brother-in-law Tom. We swam at the motel, had a cookout, had lunch out and all in all it was wonderful, chaotic and totally fun.

After a walk in the Metropark the next day, the kids went back to Toledo and I went to Fairlawn with Mary Beth and Tom to see their son (my nephew) Dan, sing with The Ohio State Men's Glee Club. Wow! A fantastic performance and I had to keep fighting off those tears - our little Danny - what a guy! He is a Chemical Engineering student at OSU.

I stayed at my sisters for a couple nights and managed to squeeze in visits with a few friends before heading back home. It was an emotional, fun, tiring visit. What do you say to your grandson when he asks you to buy his house so you can live with them or when he asks to go to your house and it is 1200 miles away? Ouch. And reconnecting with friends is like trying to keep knitting rhythmically when you feel like you have dropped a stitch and need to find it and repair it to continue on with a smooth pattern. I miss my other home. I like my present home. I want to have them both be my home.

Sidney Walter Caplan

My father-in-law died in September of 2008 at the age of 91. His health, memory, eyesight and hearing were declining. It was time.

I miss him. He was an incredibly successful businessman, but he was not grandiose or self important. He lived simply. He gave enormous amounts of money to charity and believed in the optimism that you are responsible for your fellow man and lived that on a daily basis. He did not gossip. He was not particularly effusive, or funny or entertaining. Instead, he was steady, very private and very moral. He did not compliment easily but he also did not judge. If he respected and liked you, you knew it. He lit up. He was proud of being Jewish and enjoyed discussing the bible, religion and politics. He was politically very liberal. He was a patriarch and a mensch.

Harry visited Sidney on a monthly basis. It was expensive, but Harry felt it was his duty and priveledge and he was very grateful for the time he spent with his dad. Often, when I would accompany Harry, we would go to Temple, or I would meet them at the usual Saturday after-Temple lunch spot, Emilios. Sidney would begin a meal with crusty Italian bread, always the well done heels, and slater a mixture of parmesan and olive oil on it. His lunch would often be accompanied by a single bottle of beer. When Sid and Doris's friend, Irv, was alive (he lived until over 100 years), he would join us.

We would discuss the days Torah portion. Many, many times the topic was regarding siblings and jealousy and rivalry. Cain and Abel, Joseph, Jacob, and many more. Those topics are epic in the Bible. I think back and wonder if there was some premonition in the fact that the topic was so often brought up and conversed about.

One of the biggest mistakes Sidney may have ever made as a father was to not appoint someone outside of the family to settle his estate. The kind of ugly stories we have heard about in "other" families has come true for the Caplans. Sidney appointed Harry's sister Eileen as trustee. I asked Doris, Harry's stepmother why Sid made that choice, and she said that it made sense to Sidney, since Eileen was a tax attorney. Unfortunately, it is my opinion, that motivations, personality issues, and old grudges come into play after a parent dies. Is this an aftermath of grief and loss? I don't think so. I think it is plain and simple - about money.

Cousins, siblings, an uncle and aunt, Sidney's secretary, accountants and business partners are all involved in the mess. Sidney's 86 year old brother has been sued by Eileen as trustee regarding business issues. Eileen has been sued by her brother because of misappropriation of money from a charitable trust. Lawyers have been hired. There is so much more.

I like to think that people can sit down and work out their issues in a reasonable manner. But, in this case, it would be like sitting Hitler down and trying to reason with him that his Aryan concepts were wrong. Or trying to tell Bin Laden that Mohamed did not support terrorism. Sometimes, the frustration lies in the reality that there is no reasonable resolution. There is no discussion. People become entrenched in their ideas and beliefs and have such a hard time opening themselves to the other viewpoints, to change, to admitting fault and accepting error. The lessons in the Bible apply across generations and time. But sometimes, humans cannot learn. We are certainly flawed.

I Found This Emusing

A family vacationing in Big Pine Key came in from a day of sailfishing and were skunked (means they didn't catch any fish - they stink). But that didn't mean they didn't catch a prize. While barbecuing dinner outside they saw something they could not identify swimming up the canal. It was an 80 pound Emu! The poor bird was tiring and with the help of the wild bird rescue people in Marathon, they got the bird out of the water and off to the rescue facility where it is now happily munching away at cut up veggies. I would love to know how it got in the canal, and where it came from. You would think you would notice your Emu was missing...

Out of My Funk

Strange word, Funk. When you think of Sly and the Family Stone or George Clinton, you don't think morose or frightened. You think upbeat. What gives?

It doesn't hurt that the weather is spectacularly gorgeous. Clear blue skies. Bright light. Low humidity and cool nights for great sleeping. The waters are turquoise. And, while taking my walk this afternoon, I marveled that a pelican flew by, and that is just normal for here.

I spoke with my brother, Tom, today. He returned to Ohio in time for another snowstorm. Makes me appreciate how easy it is to throw on some shorts and head out the door. No coats, boots, gloves. And, I can putter with my plants anytime, or see what is swimming by in the canal, or just be outside.

Speaking of Tom (aka Tommynerdz) - he and Sam fixed my car! It had a very strange grating noise for over a year. We had taken it to two different mechanics and they didn't know what it was. But, the "boys" decided after Sam's Acura's transmission bit the dust at 70,000 miles, that my transmission needed new fluids - and they replaces any and all. It was an all day job and hark - my noise is gone. Maybe they saved me from a new transmission and a huge expense. I really appreciate what they did.

Tom is always a great house guest. He does his own thing and yet is available when we want company. He is entertaining, and he and Harry really get along. Tom makes me see different sides of things - such as the male side so that I can better understand all the men in my life. Sam and Harry and Tom speak a different language, laugh at things that appall me, and just generally think different. Yet, my brother and I have always gotten along so well. We like to fish. We like nature. We "get" each other. I just plain love him and we miss him.

Random Thoughts

I went to get a pedicure today and was greeted by pictures of "Trunk", the Vietnamese young man I go to, all over the counter with a Buddhist altar around them. My heart sank. I learned that he had been killed several weeks ago in a motorcycle accident.

Trunk was such a delightful 21 year old. He was from Chicago and his family were friends with the owners who opened the shop in Key Largo so he came down to work while figuring out his life and future. He was trying to buy a car and we discussed it at length the last time I saw him, a couple weeks before his death. The irony: he had no credit and couldn't get a loan even though his income was good. And, he died using his only form of transportation available, his bike. That same day he was also quite shook up because one of his friends had died from a car accident. He had gone to say his goodbyes the day before and they had removed life support the morning of my visit. I was so impressed by his story of his difficulty getting credit, that I had related the story to Harry. I really liked this kid, and am very sad at the tragic end to his life.

It is hard work to keep from being dragged under by sadness and tragedy into depression. I think of a bobber floating on the surface of the water, happily riding the swells, sunlight glimmering on it, but then suddenly pulled underwater into the dark by some unseen fish and struggling to reach up to the light again.

Some heartaches never leave. My cousin's daughter Sarah who died at age 17, my son Matt's dad who died when Matt was only 21, my college roommates Marilyn and Peg, childhood friends Gary Bevan and Julie Fox, my numerous miscarriages - these were all untimely deaths that left huge gashes in my heart. Scars did form, but they throb in an ache at times when some memory or event refreshes the hurt.

Al Green said it all in his song "Lean on Me:"

Some times in our lives,
we all have pain,
we all have sorrow.
But, if we are wise,
we know that there's always tomorrow.
Lean on me, when your not strong, and I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on.
For, it won't be long, 'till I'm gonna need
somebody to lean on.

The See Hell Motel

My brother, Tom, who is visiting us, came up with that name for our motel, the Sea Dell after I walked into a room on Sunday that looked like a crime scene and found these beauties. (Don't worry, they went through our industrial washer with hotel strength bleach two times before I took the latex gloves off). The adage "no good deed goes unpunished" is so true. One of our staff asked if she could have a room for "a friend" for two nights at a discount so we said sure. Well, the "friend" was really a friend of her boyfriend who is 16 years younger than her and I would suspect, hanging with the wrong crowd? There were broken bottles, trash everywhere, the requisite empty liqueur and beer bottles, cigarette butts, and the crack pipe residue. I told you I was becoming a crack expert! And not the kind I see at the swimming pool. The cigarette burns through the bedding made me hit the roof - there goes several hundred dollars. And, we are non-smoking so clean up means the room is out of order for a few days.

Well, we (Harry) is kind (I was ready to start salary deductions) and are requesting that the boyfriend go after his friend to recover our losses. But, it didn't hurt to hold over his head that we have the fire extinguisher he pulled out with his finger prints on it and the crack residue in case we have to call in the authorities. Our staff member was terrified she would lose her job. I just remember what my father-in-law always said - "if you lie with dogs, you can get fleas" and hope that she has a bit of a wake up from this, because we like her, and so do our guests.