Sidney Walter Caplan

My father-in-law died in September of 2008 at the age of 91. His health, memory, eyesight and hearing were declining. It was time.

I miss him. He was an incredibly successful businessman, but he was not grandiose or self important. He lived simply. He gave enormous amounts of money to charity and believed in the optimism that you are responsible for your fellow man and lived that on a daily basis. He did not gossip. He was not particularly effusive, or funny or entertaining. Instead, he was steady, very private and very moral. He did not compliment easily but he also did not judge. If he respected and liked you, you knew it. He lit up. He was proud of being Jewish and enjoyed discussing the bible, religion and politics. He was politically very liberal. He was a patriarch and a mensch.

Harry visited Sidney on a monthly basis. It was expensive, but Harry felt it was his duty and priveledge and he was very grateful for the time he spent with his dad. Often, when I would accompany Harry, we would go to Temple, or I would meet them at the usual Saturday after-Temple lunch spot, Emilios. Sidney would begin a meal with crusty Italian bread, always the well done heels, and slater a mixture of parmesan and olive oil on it. His lunch would often be accompanied by a single bottle of beer. When Sid and Doris's friend, Irv, was alive (he lived until over 100 years), he would join us.

We would discuss the days Torah portion. Many, many times the topic was regarding siblings and jealousy and rivalry. Cain and Abel, Joseph, Jacob, and many more. Those topics are epic in the Bible. I think back and wonder if there was some premonition in the fact that the topic was so often brought up and conversed about.

One of the biggest mistakes Sidney may have ever made as a father was to not appoint someone outside of the family to settle his estate. The kind of ugly stories we have heard about in "other" families has come true for the Caplans. Sidney appointed Harry's sister Eileen as trustee. I asked Doris, Harry's stepmother why Sid made that choice, and she said that it made sense to Sidney, since Eileen was a tax attorney. Unfortunately, it is my opinion, that motivations, personality issues, and old grudges come into play after a parent dies. Is this an aftermath of grief and loss? I don't think so. I think it is plain and simple - about money.

Cousins, siblings, an uncle and aunt, Sidney's secretary, accountants and business partners are all involved in the mess. Sidney's 86 year old brother has been sued by Eileen as trustee regarding business issues. Eileen has been sued by her brother because of misappropriation of money from a charitable trust. Lawyers have been hired. There is so much more.

I like to think that people can sit down and work out their issues in a reasonable manner. But, in this case, it would be like sitting Hitler down and trying to reason with him that his Aryan concepts were wrong. Or trying to tell Bin Laden that Mohamed did not support terrorism. Sometimes, the frustration lies in the reality that there is no reasonable resolution. There is no discussion. People become entrenched in their ideas and beliefs and have such a hard time opening themselves to the other viewpoints, to change, to admitting fault and accepting error. The lessons in the Bible apply across generations and time. But sometimes, humans cannot learn. We are certainly flawed.